the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize