thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
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