then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
