Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
