Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Randomize
