Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
