so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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