Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Randomize
