The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Randomize
