Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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