I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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