the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Define "chronic" masturbator.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
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