final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
