just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
