You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
