Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Randomize
