I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
