after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
