I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Randomize