Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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