I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
