Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
