This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Randomize
