so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
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