Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
