so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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