Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I deserve this hangover.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
