I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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