If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
