my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Randomize
