i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
of course. lets lasso hookers.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
