I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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