I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
