i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
