She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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