Who wears a wallet chain?!
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
