sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
