im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
