DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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