you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
be right there i have to get my cape
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
