I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
