Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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