I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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