it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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