i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Randomize
