sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I know her cup size but not her name....
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
