Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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