I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
