i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Pretty sure I just has te same conversation as you. He suggested I get, sell, and fuck the hoes, and once all was said and done, that I should refer afforementioned hoes to him, to perform felatio.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
