you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
