You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
