I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
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