Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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