five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
