I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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