So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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