Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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