i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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