Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Randomize
