My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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